Frozen

Sitting on the couch in our usual spots with Cooper in the middle of us just about to catch up on Mad Men episodes my phone alerted me that I had a new email. I grabbed my phone while keeping my eyes on the t.v. not thinking much about it other than probably more junk mail. I looked down at my phone and opened an email that changed my life forever. It was an email from our caseworker stating that we needed to call her immediately. I froze and could barely move. I read the email to my husband and we looked at one another and he said "It's our referral, it has to be." I was in denial because in my mind there was no way it was actually happening. My heart started racing as I sat frozen on the couch with a million thoughts running through my mind. I made my husband make the call to our caseworker because I could barely talk. He grabbed the phone and called her as I continued to remain frozen. I then heard him say from across the room, "It's a boy!" I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. I started jumping up and down as my eyes filled with tears. I was finally going to be a mommy and have a son. The only bad part was that we had to wait until the following evening to view the file and see pictures of Ryan for the firs time. Needless to say, I was up the entire night pacing the house trying to imagine what he looked like. We decided not to tell ANYONE until we had his file reviewed by a U.S. doctor. It was the hardest secret I've ever had to keep. It's hard to believe that one year ago today we still had no idea what Ryan even looked like. Now, he is sitting in his little chair, sucking his thumb with his blanky, while watching Sesame Street. It's amazing the difference a year can make.